A mother shares her son’s stillbirth story – Kutti was stillborn in 2019 when they found out he passed away on her due date.
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My husband and I were childhood friends, then lovers, and finally happily married after five years of struggle from families in 2018.
We got pregnant after three months of marriage, naturally. We took a home test. And those two weeks were the happiest days of our life. We enjoyed every minute.
We went to the hospital in the 7th week, and there was the biggest shock: the doctor found 10cm of fibroid on the uterus scan. The doctor alerted us that miscarriage may be possible, but she suggested continuing the pregnancy. With each and every scan, we were drowning in fear, hoping everything should be fine.
Kutti was strong, fine, and overcame all months bravely. One of the nurses in the hospital said she didn’t believe the baby survived till these months. I went home with hope and started doing my paintings.
I painted my last sketch just two days before my due date to welcome him. Finally, my due date came, December 15′ 2019, and we were so happy. I had kicks of our baby too that day morning. It might be his last kick or what I don’t know. My husband and I were talking happily that the baby wanted to come out and see the world and hear about our pregnancy journey that we had gone through.
My mucus plug came out that afternoon, and we went to the hospital. Unfortunately, only to hear most shaking words, “sorry, no heartbeat, your baby died.” I was devastated and thought the words should be just a dream or nightmare.
My labor was induced that evening at 4.30 pm, and after 13 hours of labor, our Kutti was stillborn on December 16′ 2019. Here comes the worst part. No one allowed me to see my baby. When the doctor was stitching me down, I could hear many people cry outside, and I was begging the nurses near me to show my baby. I will never forget those moments. I heard his face and mouth looked like mine and his nose like his dad’s.
Just after a few weeks, I started to hear people saying, “all happens for a reason,” “move on, you will have another baby,” “my friend had a loss, and now they have a baby,” and “what if he had some problems when he grows,” etc.
There is no timeline for grief, but everyone forgot about it and started saying all the above sentences in different forms, which I don’t want to hear from anybody. I worry more that I didn’t even get a chance to see him for not even a minute.
December is coming. It still hurts, remembering everything. The gap/hole in the heart is not filled. I want to tell the world loudly that there is no timeline for grief. The people around me had already started asking for the next baby. Time doesn’t heal the grief. Still, I remember December 16th for him, and it is the worst day for me.
I am attaching the painting I did two days before my due date. That is the only pic that I have with me to remember my son and feel him.
We miss you. Love you, Kutti. I don’t have answers to many questions which are always passing my mind about you, Kutti. Not a day goes by without thinking about you.
