Rinila shares her story of twin pregnancy loss. They had to terminate the pregnancy after learning her babies were too sick to survive.
I’m Rinila, mother of an 11-year-old fur girl, two angel girls, and one rainbow baby boy named Ocean. I’ve lived in Bangalore all my life and love it here. Been working in Early childhood education and Music education for the last 14 years and would not trade it for the world!
In 2018 July, my husband and I were living our best life in Bali when I found out I was pregnant. One month later I found out I was not just pregnant but expecting twins! My excitement levels were through the roof. The earthquakes that year in Bali were terrible and on certain days we would experience more than 5 tremors a day. So we decided to come back to India in my second trimester to be with my parents.
One week after returning to India we went for a scan to see the babies and that’s when all hell broke loose. I often wondered why they didn’t move much during scans. And the doctor in Bali always told me that they were sleeping. But during this scan, we found out that the babies were too sick to survive.
That I had to terminate the pregnancy.
The first week of October was easily the hardest week of my life, with a slew of scans, genetic testing, amniocentesis, knowing fully well that I had to give these two up.
On 8th October 2018 after 12 hours of labor I delivered my precious girls, alive, with heartbeats, but who could not move. I saw my girls being taken away to be preserved and to conduct autopsies.
Just when I thought the horror show was over PTSD struck.
I was waking up in the middle of the night sobbing my heart out. Days were going by in a daze, with a lump in my throat and constant pain in my chest. There were days when I felt I could not breathe and would wake up in sweats. Yes, I had family around me, but I was alone. The emptiness was unbearable.
In the true Indian way, everyone told me to sweep it under the carpet, get over it and move on. “After all you are young and can have another child” were words I heard the day after my loss. Words that are meant to encourage were often so hurtful and just made me miss my babies more and sink deeper into grief.
My parents were amazing though. And, I would not have survived if not for them. My mother having lost a two-year-old and suffered a miscarriage right after, understood every emotion. She held me in her arms every day, allowed me to cry, encouraged me to grieve, and made me write to them.
I remember our Christmas lunch, all three of us held hands and cried our hearts out.
The power in tears, the healing in crying, that’s what ultimately got me through the darkness. It made me understand that it’s okay to grieve, talk about it, and share my story.
Fast forward to two years later, it still hurts, the hole in my heart is not filled. I have just made space for my little rainbow boy. October 8th is still the worst day for me, I mourn their departure as much as I celebrate their tiny lives.
Rinila, is a mother of an 11-year-old fur girl, two angel girls, and one rainbow baby boy named Ocean.
She and her husband lost her twin girls after learning that they were too sick to survive and had to terminate her pregnancy.
You can connect with Rinila and follow her journey on Instagram @rinilaramesh