Krsna was stillborn at 37 weeks of pregnancy. Her mom Krithika tells her daughter’s story and her journey after loss.

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I am Krithika, mother of baby girl Krsna who is an angel – stillborn at 37 weeks of my pregnancy.

After a series of IUI, Clomid, etc., in 2014, we decided not to put my body through this hormonal rollercoaster anymore and took a break. I was taking metformin for my PCOS, and after losing some weight, my periods were on time, and we were pregnant in March 2016. 

A textbook pregnancy with no issues till 36 weeks, mid of the 36th week while we were celebrating my mother’s birthday, I felt fewer movements and was admitted immediately, spent a day in the hospital and was discharged on 24th November, since Krsna was her usual playful self kicking and moving.

I asked the doctor if the baby could be delivered on the 24th itself since I was scared, she said there were no beds available, and I was not dilated yet, and there were good two weeks before the due date.

26th  November, late at night, I couldn’t feel her movements. On the 27th, I went to the hospital to get myself checked. They couldn’t find the heartbeat in the NST. I was immediately taken for a scan. My heart sank when I couldn’t hear the heartbeat in the ultrasound, I knew we had lost her. My ObGyn confirmed this, I pleaded with my Doctor to perform a c-section. But the doctor said natural birth is recommended unless there are complications.

I was induced into labor and had to go through labor for almost 7-8 hours, all the while knowing that my baby was not alive. Throughout the day and during the contractions, I kept wishing that I would wake up from this nightmare.

On 27th November 2016, at 11 pm, Krsna was born. The doctor asked my husband if I would like to hold my child, which was ridiculous. I carried her, and I have the right to hold her.

And I held her for a few minutes, and she was taken away from me.

I held my baby in the morning before she was taken for the last rites. I feel stupid and blame myself daily for not spending more time with her.

I am still learning to live with our loss each day.

I don’t have any pictures of her, and I feel extremely guilty and sad that I don’t remember her face like I used to… 

My brother, my friend, and my husband have been my pillars. Though my parents and in-laws were extremely supportive all these years, the most painful part now is the expectation that we should “forget/not dwell” on what happened and make another baby. I have reached a point in life where I have started giving it back when they say things that hurt.

I don’t think my parents/in-laws know our daughter’s name. But we want to speak about her proudly and loudly.

Thank you for reading Krsna’s birth story. To all the mothers who are going through loss or struggling with infertility. I am here for you. We are in this together. Big hug and lots of love.